Dad

Today is my father's 85th birthday, quite the milestone! We've done a little celebrating here while he's probably done a lot of celebrating with family he hasn't seen for years. Some perhaps even longer than a lifetime. The past four weeks since his death have caused me to think about a lot of things, especially the influence he has had in my life as well as the influence he will continue to have in my life. A dear friend shared a quote with me that I've spent some time pondering. Speaking of loved ones that have passed on, Joseph F. Smith said, 

"I claim that we live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever." (April 1916 General Conference)

I have had my dad's image in my mind's eye quite frequently these past four weeks. I can't say that I've felt his presence, but I know he's close by. Why wouldn't he be. 

I've received quite a few gifts from my dad over the years and I think it's rather fitting to share some of those with you on his birthday. 

Like all of his children and grandchildren, I am the recipient of some beautifully handcrafted wood bowls and vases (the ones that have a little crack or blemish, a little more character 😉) that I will cherish and pass on to my grandkids. 

He gave me his love for the scriptures. I remember at a very young age walking in on him while he was studying the scriptures and still remember the spirit that was in that room. I knew then that his study time was very important to him. My study time is very important to me as well.

As a teenager I constantly felt his trust in me. Because of that trust, I never wanted to disappoint him. This was an unspoken trust, one of love. He told me I could use him as an excuse if I ever needed to get out of an uncomfortable situation, and I knew he meant it! Whenever I asked for his advice he would give me enough to give me confidence in making my own decisions. What a gift! 

For one of my birthdays he gave me a couple of medallions with depictions of womanhood on them. Dad didn't give very many tangible gifts, so this gesture spoke volumes to me. It told me of his love for my mom, me and each of my sisters and the profound respect he had for women and their divine roles. It confirmed in my mind the importance of my future role of being a wife and mother.

He loved my husband. (But seriously who doesn't?!) He cherished my kids and adored my grandkids. My son-in-laws were grandsons to him. June of 1996 - we counted down together to his retirement and the birth of my 5th child. He was just as excited for me as I was for him! 

There have been a few times over the past several years that I asked him for a father's blessing. A sweet, tender father's blessing. He would validate and confirm that I was doing what the Lord wanted me to be doing. He counseled me to be patient and trust in my Savior. Always that gift of trust. 

My dad's sweet and tender love and teasing ways with Lydia are probably the gifts I'll miss the most. The feeling was definitely mutual! The excitement of going to grandpa's house started about 5 miles from his home and showed in every fiber of her being! She knew where we were going and knew exactly who she wanted to see! 

One of the last gifts he gave me was four days before he passed away. We had some one on one time together on Temple Square after my niece's wedding. We strolled around a little bit and talked about some personal and not so personal things. Some perfect dad and daughter time. Truly a gift! 

The last gift I gave him ... a picture of his sweet Lydia tucked in the pocket of his white shirt. I know he is now her number one guardian angel. 

I am definitely going to miss my dad, but I know he will still be blessing my life in so many ways. Why wouldn't he! 

Plans

I wrote this late last night and didn't dare post it until I had time to make sure it made sense. You know how nonsensical thoughts can be late at night. So here is my edited sensical version of my late night writing.

It's 11:45 p.m. and I'm laying here with my sidekick, which is not my husband, trying to help her go to sleep and wondering what this has to do with consecration (you may think this is a random thought, but hang in here with me) -  my time, talents and all that I have to give to the building up of the kingdom of God. I'm laying here hoping it will give her some comfort and relief from the anxiety that's built up over the past 7-10 days of not being able to go to sleep, every other night. A cycle she's gets caught in again and again and .... 

My sidekick, she's perfect. She has it made in the next life. But me … I'm not perfect and I'm totally okay with that. I'm realizing that my laying here is more for my benefit than hers. I'm laying here to learn more patience and selflessness. I'm laying here trying not to focus on the many unanswered questions to her jigsaw puzzle of a life (as referred to by my husband, who takes more than his fair share of nights with her) and trying instead to trust God's plan. Because He is the only one that has the plan to her puzzle. And because sometimes it's not only hard to see His plan, but it's hard to be patient and be humble and be shaped and be stretched and be submissive until I can see His plan. I should be better at this than I am. I am better at it than I use to be. 

So here I lay, typing under my blanket, pretending that she's not looking at me, knowing that when I pull my blanket away she will totally be watching to make sure I'm still here with her, for her.

p.s.  Sure enough, she was waiting and watching - all night long. 

 

This is one place I love to go to in my mind and real life.